If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
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Breaking news:
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]