My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
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At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I see your IQ test came back negative
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.