If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
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The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
this isn’t threatening at all
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.