@Lisa_Laughs_: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
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@lenadunham: Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
@squirrel74wkgn: [at wedding] Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace Me (raises hand) Pastor: It's your wedding Me (lowers hand)
@pinupteacher: My cab driver just described Seattle as "Not that horrible of a place." Get that guy a job on the tourism board.
@Tw1tter_K1tten: One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like "Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?"