If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
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“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Me too
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now