If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
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Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!