Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
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A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
This is what makes twitter great
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.