If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
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7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*