If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
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me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Ummm
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Cake safety first. Always.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!