3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
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Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
How dude HOW?!
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.