Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
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I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.