If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
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I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
What the hell is going on?
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.