If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
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can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
TRAIN’S HERE
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
anyone else like Italian cereal
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.