@amishschool: If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
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@AllanCresswell: Grampa: Back in my day, we slept on broken glass, you dunno how lucky you are. Me: Grampa, please. We have Twitter, at least you GOT sleep.
@bobvulfov: GOLFER: what r u thinkin ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
@Reverend_Scott: Elephant 911: What's ur em- Elephant: MOUSE Elephant 911: WHERE Elephant: FLOOR Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE [table breaking noises]
@joe_binkley: Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad. Son: What's wrongdad? Dad: I told you, my head hurts. Son: This is why mom left.