If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
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A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Dance like you’re not the father
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.