If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
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Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH