If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
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Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.