@Brianhopecomedy: "Daddy?" "Yes?" "What are you doing?" "Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter."

@Prof_BrianCocks: K1: Frankincence K2: Myrrh K3: Gold K1 & K2: WHAT? K3: Gold K1: We said £20 each! K3: I.. K1: I hate you K3: Wrap it from all of us?

@aidanjsears: INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast ME: *shows up four hours later* INTERVIEWER: you're hired

@LucyLouMcB: Me: "What's the haps, yo?" 19yo niece: ... Me: ... 19yo niece: ... Me: "I'm sorry."

@One_FineMess: You all hate smokers until you need to light a birthday cake…