If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
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8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*