@aveuaskew: If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
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@KrunkedRobot: My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
@LimeyTheGreat: My youngest son can now reach the light switches, so don't come over to my house, unless you're really into raves or want to have a seizure.
@Thedudish: My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling "He doesn't even buy bread."
@Brampersandon_: *takes bite of cookie* Aw man this is awful *takes another bite* Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better