If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
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wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore