@SamGrittner: If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, "this'll do"
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@Social_Mime: Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn't have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
@emptyheadtwo: He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless. Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
@UncleDuke1969: [restaurant] WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I'm a little grumpy. ME: It's okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are- [one hour later] DOCTOR: Mansplaining? ME: *nods* DOCTOR: Alright, It's gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
@TheClingyGF: If you're not cheating on me, then why won't you let me install surveillance cameras in your house.