If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
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1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I just tested negative for patience.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose