My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
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I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
bury ourselves
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”