Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
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Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Smile they said.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Try and stop me.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.