if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
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Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Ron is short for Aaronald
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.