If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
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Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN