“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
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I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.