@MableGertrude: If you know a clumsy person you secretly wish would die, give them some rollerblades.
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@Jesusontwittorr: To all those telling me this account is a sin - Don't worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
@FuckabillyRex: If you didn't wanna see 157 pictures of me eating cake, you shouldn't have put me in charge of the PowerPoint presentation, boss.
@RdrJay47: Trainer: Why do you want to learn jujitsu? Person 1: To defend myself. Person 2: Discipline. Me: My girlfriend keeps stealing my fries.