“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
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Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
I can also cook 😂
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
i think both sides are to blame here
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules