@MableGertrude: If you know a clumsy person you secretly wish would die, give them some rollerblades.
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@natfos: HR at my work just called me and i thought i was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister has been commenting on their instagram every day telling them to give me a raise
@stephenjmolloy: [Interrogation room] Good cop: "Confess and we will go easy on you" Sweet tooth cop: "You bes- *hears music* -ICE CREAM MAN!" *runs outside*
@TheHyyyype: friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection [later] guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown? me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
@BoogTweets: [first day as a private investigator] Boss: you’re late Me: I couldn’t find the building