Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
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Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.