@amyisforawesome: If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
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@Pmerrily: Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
@withanewname: "Doc, my boyfriend & I don't wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn't working." "What kind are you using?" "Grape"
@WilliamRodgers: I "accidentally" washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again.... Yeah Accident