i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
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If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?