If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
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Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
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