If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
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I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare