@tacos_y_cerveza: If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth the $20
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@ShrinkMedia: My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
@staceys55: Police: "You were going fast." Me: "I was trying to keep up with traffic." Police: "There isn't any." Me: "That's how far behind I am!"
@GrantTanaka: *daughter reading *son playing ipod *dog sleeping *house quiet *I go take a dump FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG'S ON FIRE