I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
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i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
i meant to share this earlier
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.