my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
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I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
My favorite female superhero
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I can’t wait!
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic