If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
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Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
good work, detective
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.