If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
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me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
SCARY COSTUME
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…