Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
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I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.