If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
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Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines