If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
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I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Cardio Made Easy
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.