If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
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today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
What the dentist sees
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.