If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
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Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?