@writerPT: If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
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@thatUPSdude: Turns out if you fake a heart attack every Monday work sends you to HR and not the hospital.
@VodkaDietSoda: The second I sense someone about to ask for a bite of what I'm eating, I immediately shove the whole damn thing in my mouth & look baffled.
@mortimermaiden: [restaurant] Manager: You're fired. Me: Why?! Manager: You're a bad waiter. Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.