If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
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“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Note to self: always read the final line
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan