If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
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My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit