Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
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“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use