@claire_mudie: If you lost your needle in a haystack then I don't think you were responsible enough to have had a needle in the first place. Needle loser.
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@Playing_Dad: [Cops at crime scene] Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet. Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
@Vodkantots: Awwww, she looks so sweet and peaceful when she's not yelling. -my kids, watching me sleep
@Cool_Jesse: That's the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he's a wizard.
@leechee420: One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I'm going to visit.