38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
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I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Doctors texting each other.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling