@VerifiedDrunk: If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that's practically the same thing.
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@ObviousOstrich: If every person in the world held hands around the equator a significant portion of them would drown.
@Eatingmeals: One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all "Holy shit these people have families"
@stephenjmolloy: Ian: "I'd like to report my guide dog missing." Cop: "Right. When did you last see him?" Ian: "I've never seen him."