If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
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If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Knock Knock
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.