If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
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$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
oh my gosh!!
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!