If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
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Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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4.
5.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…