If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
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north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.