@3sunzzz: If you love someone, let them go.
If they don't come back, get a dog.
@iwearaonesie: *wife comes out in a robe*
I'm hiding your present
Yes it's wrapped
Nooo, it's not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT'S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
@KevinHart4real: Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
@lipstck_junkie: My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: "no son, the liquor cabinet is".
@thatUPSdude: "You clean up well" is a nice way of saying "You look like shit at work".