@3sunzzz: If you love someone, let them go.
If they don't come back, get a dog.
@AntozWolf: Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
@SortaBad: *Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that's so awesome thanks for sharing!
@Reverend_Scott: Goldfish 911: What's ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON'T KNOW
@LizHackett: [gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You're free now.
@Karissajem: Neighbors just got a pirate ship playhouse for their backyard. Drunk me has never been so excited.