@3sunzzz: If you love someone, let them go.
If they don't come back, get a dog.
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
@merican_ninjy: Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don't reply with "I'm too drunk, you get in."
@HeyoShellz: My therapist says I'm making progress but that's only because I lie to her
@Smethanie: My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking "Do you want these nuts?" and I'm not mature enough to be a parent.
@TylerLinkin: On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.