If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
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HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.