If you love someone, let them sleep.
You Might Also Like
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*