if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
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funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
You sure about that?
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?