If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
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Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.