If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
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me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
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OMG DAD WAT?
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[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.